Glamorous

The above is a photograph I took this afterno0n, but do not be deceived.  Glitz and glamour do not live here.  Nope!  This is the collection of crystals my 18 month old has plucked from the dining room chandelier throughout the day.  He removed a jewel or two each time he visited until he had this extraordinary collection.  Impressive.

I also found him perched upon the kitchen counter this morning sipping the remnants of my morning cup of coffee and rummaging for snacks. (I do feed him but he never gets full!)  This was after I discovered him in the shower with a pump bottle of hand soap, attempting to give himself a waterless bath.  It is so much fun now that he can open doors by himself.

How, you may ask, am I able to record these transgressions? Worry not.  The little criminal is safely behind bars.

Wrong answer, Mom!

My daughter is 3 1/2 which means that we inevitably get to visit the bathroom at all of our favorite shopping stores. During a recent visit to the lovely facilities at our local Wal-Mart, I had one of those “Mom Moments”. I really can’t blame this experience on my sweet girl or even myself. Here’s the culprit…

Yep! It was the toilet’s fault.

When I first discovered auto-flush potties I thought it was the wave of the future. So nice that I no longer had to risk dropping a shoe in the toilet while balancing on one foot trying to flush. (because there is nooooo way Misty’s gonna touch the handle in a public bathroom!) What I never fathomed was that someday I would squat down in front of one of these fancy contraptions, holding my three year old, trying to make sure that neither of us comes in contact with what we refer to as “booty germs”.

Well, this is how it happened. We had both assumed our positions. My precious girl does her business, uses her toilet paper and then casually (or so I thought) asks, “Mom, does this potty flush?”.

Me: “Yes, baby, it flushes.”

Ella: “Does it flush by its own self?”

Me: “It sure does.”

My little angel then lets out an awful scream and leaps onto me in true McMonkey fashion. I have to admit I was caught off guard but not so much that I was willing to let me or my baby touch the public bathroom floor. I then somehow managed to stand and that’s when I realized that Ella still had her used toilet paper in her hand and was rubbing it all over my clothes. I started to yell, now.

Me: “THROW THE TOILET PAPER IN THE POTTY!”

Ella: “No! No! The potty’s gonna get me!”

Me: (while trying to pry the dirty hand off me) “Throw it in! Throw it in!”

Ella: “It’s gonna be loud! It’s gonna get me!”

I finally managed to pry it out of her hand (ugh!) and got her dressed. I then took her to the sink and scrubbed off as many of the booty germs as I could and tried to ignore the giggles coming from one of the stalls.

This experience has taught me several things. First, the questions my kids ask are seldom casual even when they appear so. There is often a bigger picture I need to search for. And second, always be on the lookout for leaping monkeys.